There was a day, not far off in my history when my days were filled with yelling, repeating, and empty threats. I am not at all a child expert, I am in no way shape or form a perfect parent, or by any stretch of the imagination mother of the year. I am simply a mom who needed to find a new solution to produce different results when needing my lovely first born to listen, respect, and take me seriously. On a week when Cody decided to challenge me in every way (except by peeing on my walls) I snapped. The snap led to a revolution, the revolution led to AMAZING results and for the reason of seeing amazing results I knew I needed to share this with other moms out there who might be struggling to be heard in the midst of their screams, respected in the midst of ungratefulness, and not taken lightly in the moment of disciplinary action. The week went a lot like this; day one was like any other day, he woke up full of love and cuddles... until he didn't get his way and then he turned on me. Everything was not good enough, if I fixed waffles, eggs, and bacon (his favorite (usually)) it was "nothing he liked". When I wouldn't bend to his manipulation he would "roarrrrrr" and yell at me. When I couldn't scare him into listening I would throw "Spanking time?" out there or the infamous "1...2..." and then right as "3" was coming out of my mouth he would decide to hop right up. Day one ended with Cody yelling at Chance and being totally unreachable... spankings came into play and all that came of that was cody yelling "he didn't like us, we are mean, he will NEVER talk to us again!". Day two was smooth, too smooth. We had a great day, we were ending it by partaking in my favorite Austin summertime event, Blues on the Green. It was the calm before the storm. In as little detail as possible, Im going to hop to the point. I was sitting there with friends and family feeding the kids (Cody and Charlie) while they ran around right in front of me (I'm talking 10 yards max) within 3 minutes of his last bite I realized he had disappeared. I panicked he was no where in eye shot. I raked the crowd of thousands of people panicking as I got closer to the end of the crowd and the sun fell lower into the horizon. After putting out an A.P.B, the cops were able to locate cody within 10 minutes. He came back totally unshaken and unaware of the problem. He had totally fabricated a story of how "he thought the concert was over", even though no one ever got up or began packing up. He wouldn't not look me in my eyes while I explained what had just transpired, he was not sorry, and to be honest might as well have been flipping me the bird with the attitude I got. Day two ended with me spanking cody (while tears rolled down my cheeks) and hearing cody scream "I don't like you, you are the meanest mom ever, I will NEVER talk to you again!" Heartbreak town!! Day three, our grandparents were here visiting, they had taken cody to a store to buy some travel items they had forgot. Cody decided he wanted a toy and when our grandpa decided he wasn't going to buy the $30 Walgreens toy that would end up in the trash tomorrow cody decided he wasn't taking "no" for an answer. With the toy in hand my child ran out of the store screaming at grandpa "I want this toy and you WILL by it for me! People don't tell me what to do I tell people what to do stupid!" Mortified, Grandpa took the toy back in the store packed cody up in the truck and brought him straight home. Grandpa's eyes filled with tears, he had never seen this side of Cody before (nor had I) He stood on my door step apologizing to me for having to bring him home but he "could not stand for this behavior" is what he told me... I DEFINITELY agree! Day three nap was preceded by me spanking cody and cody yelling at me "that didn't hurt, I don't like you, NEVER talk to me again!". It was during nap time the third day during my time in scripture crying out to god that "I can't do this! I don't know how to make a "good" child. He doesn't even love me anymore!" then, an epiphany happened.
You see, three days in a row of being spanked had given him an immunity to the fear and pain. A couple minutes of stinging butt cheeks were worth the attention and reactions he was receiving for his outlandish antics. I had to find a new way to reach him. My parents spanked us, and it worked so this gave me the idea that it works on most-every child. What my parents also did was make us work and earn our privileges. This is something that, I feel, my generation is not instilling in our kids. It was rare, back then, for kids to be working (especially as young as we were) its even more rare now. Obviously 4 year olds can't work in a real business (I didn't even have to start that young), and I don't have a business (like my parents did) to make Cody work in. What I decided to do was to create a three point plan (Mitt Romney has a five point plan to revive our country's economy, I have a three point plan to revive my child's attitude and actions) what we say now is "for every action there is a reaction and our reactions to your actions are in the form of being paid, giving points, or punishing". Here is the system; I created a business for cody "CJ Worx" (I even created a company logo and wrote it on every weekly time card and made a company sign to go above the board that keeps his status updates). The white board has a menu of the 5-7 things he can do around the house and earn real money for his piggy bank, it has his time card for record keeping of the activities completed and the points earned, the cork board side has his 4 color cards (visible at his eye level in his room) green, blue, yellow, red. Every morning we do "status updates" I update him on his points, how much money he has earned in the week and his color. If you stay on green all week it is worth points, blue is a warning (an attention getter), yellow results in having to pay back all of the plus points that have been earned and saved (all of them!), red shuts down his business for 3 days because I told him "people with bad character get on red and I don't do business with people of bad character. People with bad character do not succeed in business." That is the whole system. It seems like a lot, it takes a little effort to put together and get it going, and to discipline yourself to be consistent.
Since I have set up this system in our house I have not had to pass out one spanking or utter one empty threat. I do catch myself yelling and I have to remember the number one rule I promised myself when I started this system "no more yelling". There is no need to yell. They can hear you in a normal tone, if yelling continues to be a norm all they do is learn to tune it out. When I catch myself yelling I stop, give the color change warning, and wait. If the wait ends with neglect to follow my requests or rules I do not give another warning I do not use "I am going to..." there is no turning back I simply say "your color is now blue would you like to make it yellow?" I am still improving on the yelling, but it has been reduced to half of what it was. The "services" CJWorx offers are watering plants, setting the dinner table, completing workbook pages, collecting (Charlie and his) bottles and cups, picking up shoes, and making his bed. All of the services are actions and responsibilities that help me around the house. They are not his responsibilities, he does not have to do it, they are duties that I have to perform if he doesn't. I do not beg him to do them, I don't not ask that he does them. I suggest it and I follow my suggestion by reminding him of how much money his business has earned that week so far and if it is low then I also remind him (and stick to my word) that I will not be buying him any extras at the store this week so "you might want to consider earning some money" but "I am not going to beg someone to earn money, I will do it myself and save money". Cody's plus points have recently been revised. I used to keep track of them along side his time card but the problem was he wasn't receiving the gratification for his efforts by looking at plus signs on a notecard. Instead, I created fake money in increments of $1, $5, $10, $20 and I slip them in a mailbox that hangs on the cork board when he does his "have to(s)", such as brushing teeth, playing outside, praying, getting dressed, reading, and taking a nap. On fridays I open up the "friday store" (as long as his color isn't on yellow or red) and he can use his plus points (fake money) to make purchases at the store which is a box filled with candy, coloring books, pencils, erasers, action figures, coupons for "stay up late nights" and "extra t.v time" just little things that don't cost a lot but make him feel rewarded.
I hope I have explained myself well enough for you to be able to understand it and replicate it in your own home. Any part of the system can and should be tweaked to fit the environment of your own home. I.e in my house the kids only get 3 shows in the a.m (for the whole day) so a coupon for extra t.v time is highly desired. This system has really changed the way business is handled in the Bradford home and seems to still prove successful after 5 months. Good luck to you and happy parenting!!
The Wonder Wife wonders Life
CB
You see, three days in a row of being spanked had given him an immunity to the fear and pain. A couple minutes of stinging butt cheeks were worth the attention and reactions he was receiving for his outlandish antics. I had to find a new way to reach him. My parents spanked us, and it worked so this gave me the idea that it works on most-every child. What my parents also did was make us work and earn our privileges. This is something that, I feel, my generation is not instilling in our kids. It was rare, back then, for kids to be working (especially as young as we were) its even more rare now. Obviously 4 year olds can't work in a real business (I didn't even have to start that young), and I don't have a business (like my parents did) to make Cody work in. What I decided to do was to create a three point plan (Mitt Romney has a five point plan to revive our country's economy, I have a three point plan to revive my child's attitude and actions) what we say now is "for every action there is a reaction and our reactions to your actions are in the form of being paid, giving points, or punishing". Here is the system; I created a business for cody "CJ Worx" (I even created a company logo and wrote it on every weekly time card and made a company sign to go above the board that keeps his status updates). The white board has a menu of the 5-7 things he can do around the house and earn real money for his piggy bank, it has his time card for record keeping of the activities completed and the points earned, the cork board side has his 4 color cards (visible at his eye level in his room) green, blue, yellow, red. Every morning we do "status updates" I update him on his points, how much money he has earned in the week and his color. If you stay on green all week it is worth points, blue is a warning (an attention getter), yellow results in having to pay back all of the plus points that have been earned and saved (all of them!), red shuts down his business for 3 days because I told him "people with bad character get on red and I don't do business with people of bad character. People with bad character do not succeed in business." That is the whole system. It seems like a lot, it takes a little effort to put together and get it going, and to discipline yourself to be consistent.
Since I have set up this system in our house I have not had to pass out one spanking or utter one empty threat. I do catch myself yelling and I have to remember the number one rule I promised myself when I started this system "no more yelling". There is no need to yell. They can hear you in a normal tone, if yelling continues to be a norm all they do is learn to tune it out. When I catch myself yelling I stop, give the color change warning, and wait. If the wait ends with neglect to follow my requests or rules I do not give another warning I do not use "I am going to..." there is no turning back I simply say "your color is now blue would you like to make it yellow?" I am still improving on the yelling, but it has been reduced to half of what it was. The "services" CJWorx offers are watering plants, setting the dinner table, completing workbook pages, collecting (Charlie and his) bottles and cups, picking up shoes, and making his bed. All of the services are actions and responsibilities that help me around the house. They are not his responsibilities, he does not have to do it, they are duties that I have to perform if he doesn't. I do not beg him to do them, I don't not ask that he does them. I suggest it and I follow my suggestion by reminding him of how much money his business has earned that week so far and if it is low then I also remind him (and stick to my word) that I will not be buying him any extras at the store this week so "you might want to consider earning some money" but "I am not going to beg someone to earn money, I will do it myself and save money". Cody's plus points have recently been revised. I used to keep track of them along side his time card but the problem was he wasn't receiving the gratification for his efforts by looking at plus signs on a notecard. Instead, I created fake money in increments of $1, $5, $10, $20 and I slip them in a mailbox that hangs on the cork board when he does his "have to(s)", such as brushing teeth, playing outside, praying, getting dressed, reading, and taking a nap. On fridays I open up the "friday store" (as long as his color isn't on yellow or red) and he can use his plus points (fake money) to make purchases at the store which is a box filled with candy, coloring books, pencils, erasers, action figures, coupons for "stay up late nights" and "extra t.v time" just little things that don't cost a lot but make him feel rewarded.
I hope I have explained myself well enough for you to be able to understand it and replicate it in your own home. Any part of the system can and should be tweaked to fit the environment of your own home. I.e in my house the kids only get 3 shows in the a.m (for the whole day) so a coupon for extra t.v time is highly desired. This system has really changed the way business is handled in the Bradford home and seems to still prove successful after 5 months. Good luck to you and happy parenting!!
The Wonder Wife wonders Life
CB