I didn't at first feel like I had many areas of my spirit where I needed healing. For the most part I have come to understand that what has happened in my life has all contributed to a good cause. I honestly can not tell you a single person in my life I consider an enemy, some irritate me more than others but "who doesn't have that going on" was my attitude. Over all I feel really really blessed and everyday I am in "AWE" , really. At the moment I am broker than I would like to be in my bank account and I can't tell you how long I will live in Austin (even though I hope it is through the raising of my babies), I can only hope, pray, love and try and follow his voice and enjoy the ride. I may be short on a game plan for my entire life picture and feel like I could use a few more bucks but the life that is surrounding me is mezmorizing. So to go to the word and hear that I need to reflect and clean out my garden (so to speak) was going to take some real thinking because I felt freed up and emotionally healthy.
Today, I was so impressed with the weather he dressed the day with, that I couldn't think of anything more important to do than to spread out a blanket on the lawn in my back yard and spend the afternoon catching up on the journals I keep for the kids. I keep these journals for the kids with the intention that one day, (not just when they can read) they will be able to read these thoughts and feelings that we shared. I never know what tomorrow could bring, just in case I am misrepresenting myself to the kids and not able to be perfectly clear with where I know their focus will have to be in order to get the most out of life, I want them to have their mama's thoughts on paper. Or what if one was in a stage of rebellion, I want them to read these journals and know me as a person outside of just mom. A view of a sister in God and sent here for the exact same purpose as them, to care for others as ourself, to LOVE. I want them to know my intentions are very purposed with them, I was picked to be their molder, its part of being their mother.
anyways...
The afternoon was beautiful! I sat and watched a little spider on a blade of grass. Can you believe that? I am serious, I hate bugs! I hate them hate them! Haha no I wasn't on drugs trippin out either!! I was taking a moment to reflect on what significant events and details I needed to share in Cody's journal when it caught my eye. The smallest spider with carmel colored legs and a black belly, she must have had an invisible web spun from a couple different blades because she loved to crawl to the middle of two blades of grass and remind me of watching the gymnast girls, flipping on the high bar. I sat and wondered off track, does she ever sit and question life? Does the fear of being smashed by anything bigger, which is everything, ever cripple her from working and flipping? Maybe she doesn't have things like fear, but I do and I put myself in her shoes and wondered even more. 1. when will I be that fearless? 2. when will I reach the big break that will push me to be fearless? 3. what am I supposed to reflect on and prune in my life.
and then it hit me.
Now in my walk, I know that my time in the word always addresses an issue at hand or approaching in the near future; If you remember earlier I said he kept leading me back to the answer of "more reflection". That was because he was addressing things being harbored in the heart and the condition of the heart. The motive of the heart. Remember earlier I didn't feel these things were things that I needed to address because I felt I have already been healed from bitterness or ill feelings. Well I attended a really neat conference this week and had the pleasure of speaking privately with one of the guest speakers and author of "Freefall to fly", (oh my goodness this all just came full circle, more than I even knew lol) Rebekah. I approached her with gratitude for her transparency and admiration for finding her purpose and chasing it with enthusiasm and helping people find their purpose in the meantime. I asked her where I should look to for the next step in my dream. Silly me, I should know that she would respond with the right answer "let God show that to you, it is different for everyone". She is totally right, but somehow after that we had a brief 2 minute conversation ending with Rebekah telling me in the most loving compassionate way possible "you don't need to be angry with them, let God be angry with them, you just love them, love everyone no matter what". I responded with a quick "I'm not angry" and spent the rest of the evening feeling defeated and that I misrepresented myself and my feelings towards the issue being discussed. It was during my external processing that I realized, she was absolutely RIGHT! Of course she was! I was missing the mark!! I had my sights on getting even with a righteous attitude when getting even doesn't exist in true righteousness! I was no better than the people I was condeming for giving his majesty a rotten name. Alright!! I am learning. I am answering him back with a great big "OKAY got it, you can have them, I would rather spend my time focusing on LOVE anyway.
there is more...
After finishing Cody 's journal I jumped into Charlie's. Anyone who knows me personally knows that I don't sugar coat and I don't pretend. I am no different in their journals. So I get the a point in Charlie's journal where I am explaining my fears for her and I am also forced to reflect on where those fears come from. It is no secret that, in my younger years, my family and friends would have not found it surprising if I grew up to be a Las Vegas show girl. I love to be naked and I love to dance... Charlie does too! So as I am writing to her I can't help but feel like Charlie's first experience at reading her journal will be during a time of rebellion ,(I pray not!) but I find myself writing more self discoveries in her journal than I intended! " I might have resented my mom at different point in my life, at times it seemed as though she didn't do it right, or do enough, or the way everyone else was doing it. I spent so much of my life wanting to be "in", being "in", or not letting others "in" that the desire created so much work for my mom & so much sacrifice of my siblings attention and it wasn't enough. I know at times my relationship with my dad was hard for me to accept (it was not healthy growing up) and my mom would try to compensate for my lack of relationship with my dad.... MiMi did above and beyond and it was never enough for me. As I grew into motherhood I weighed myself against her short comings & came up prideful & Judgemental. What I forgot to weigh was her beauty, strengths, character, and love." I continued on with writing to Charlie stating that though I deserve the judgement, I hope she learns from my prideful stupid ugliness. "Okay" I thought, "now I am cleansed and purified. God, keep me humble and keep our dream alive." There was more. (yesterday was Sunday, all of that came up yesterday) Today is Monday, I spent my day with a dear friend. After small talk and babies went to bed I found myself being confronted by another blind spot! You see, my friend loved me. She desired a relationship with me and I was completely disengaged. I showed up when I wanted, I committed when I wanted, I called when I wanted. I was a friend when I wanted and it left her hurt and feeling unloved and undesired. I did that! I do that! I find things wrong with the people I am blessed to have friendships with and then I keep them at an arms distance in order to not develop feelings of irritation with their shortcomings. In this case, I justified my distance by wanting to avoid people who I feared would lead me towards a pharisee future instead of being mature and showing my friend God's love. Who am I?!? Really, who am I? I obviously begged for forgiveness and that won't be the only one who will hear my repentful heart. I never ever want to make anyone feel like they didn't make my friend circle. I don't even have a friend circle! I have to say, for a woman who thought she didn't have any areas that needed pruning in my life, I sure got slapped with some heavy revelations in the last couple of days. I guess that is what I asked for by fooling myself into only considering my own feelings and emotions when he told me to reflect. I know there will be many more days of pruning in my near and far future but the pain is always worth the gain. I would rather see where I can become more like love through these realizations than be able to boast a flawless fake character for even a minute. I need forgiveness and I need God's love and grace so bad I can't even think about anything else. Next time you ask, think. Remember that he will always answer back in the most unexpected ways and some will even be things you don't want to hear and see but he will use them for his greater good. I love y'all, thank you for listening don't stop encouraging each other every chance you get!
The Wonder Wife wonders life.