I pumped you all up to read todays blog and I love you for caring about what I have discovered and think so thank you! It's a beautiful Tuesday morning in ATX, I woke up bright and early to enjoy my coffee and the word before the daily hustle and bustle took over the house! I've been in the war long enough to know that the battles occur daily and without proper preparation on my part, I will be double minded and self centered mess all day long. The battles that I face evolve and change to fool me into thinking that the battle is against the human beings irking me at the moment, but I won't fall for it, it is the same enemy different body being used to test my growth as a person, my strength, and my faith. The trick is to take the focus of of yourself for a second and imagine with me, place yourself in the body of someone being trapped inside an 8x 10 ft box and the only hope of breaking free is to get to know and imitate a person who will die in his attempt at rescuing you. In rescuing you he dies but not before killing the enemy and offender and leaving you crystal clear instructions on survival methods in the process. Giving you freedom all he ask in return is that you LOVE people the same, that you love yourself and make more people who will pass on the examples of love.. thats all he asks in return, LOVE. That's it...
There are days when I fall victim to my flesh telling me I need more sleep, more time for rest, more me.. don't get me wrong there are times I NEED rest, and I allow myself that but the majority of the time it is the enemy creating distractions to take me away from meeting my goals because if he can distract me (or you) he can keep us from changing the world. Yea, I said it, that corny line a lot of people have fell victim to believing is impossible. It is not. Let's start by defining what I am referring to when I say "the world", the world is not going to change over night, it isn't all going to just change at once with one person, but my belief is that it will begin with one (or has already begun). My world is going to look a lot different than your world, the change in my world is going to be moved in a different way than yours because we are all given different talents, and abilities that are ALL NEEDED in order for the change to become universal. Here is the thought, what if God doesn't send love notes, but instead sends love people.. people who love, unconditionally in whatever way the need is in their particular environment.
When I first moved to Austin it was scary, we had no support here, no friends, no family, no plan financially, hell we didn't even have a clue how long our move would last. I did know that it was God, without a shadow of a doubt he had rescued us from our (my family's) Egypt. The first thing I learned in this rescue mission was that I had to do something differently than I did with my marriage and faith than I had in California, I began with strict devotion to studying the bible and the characteristics and promises of Jesus. In that I discovered that God sends love people. How did I discover it, you may ask, here is the answer and a portion of the discoveries. I changed the priority that meditation, prayer, and character studying of jesus took in my life, it was no longer when I had time for it but instead the only thing I made time for before getting to any other commitment, instead of reaching for the bible when I felt like it or needed something from God I reached for it and learned something whether I wanted to initially or not. The one time I let it fall back to its previous place of priority I landed myself a sweet job ending in disappointment and wandering, only to find answers that led me right back to where HE initially had me... focused on him, JESUS. Through my lessons I discovered that he strategically places new characters in our lives to get us through the trials that the enemy is allowed to test us with. Do you need examples? Here are a few from the last year. I did a generic search for Austin apartments when we were still living in California, our contact information landed on the computer screen of a man with a heart of gold, Jared Agnew, besides giving us leads to the highlight points of Austin's social scene, he befriended us. When we pulled into Austin at 2am with our (then) 3 yr old and tired eyes on our first night of relocation he refused to let us stay anywhere besides with him and his best friend and room mate. When we arrived they had our beds ready and coffee for us in the morning! Jared and Jen could have easily said "here is an apartment, write me as a referral" and left us to fin for ourselves but they deeply loved instead. When Chance was relocated two weeks after we moved to Austin to San Antonio I was lonely.. beyond lonely, I didn't know how to adjust to life without friends and without Chance, and without a job or hobby, the things that held my identity together had been stripped away. I stumbled upon a meet up group that had a few crazy mom's that I wasn't sure if I was going to blend well with but out of 30 women I ended up pushing Charlie on a swing next to the hippest chick, named Heidi, who just happened to had just moved here about a year before me with her family for her husband's job, who happened to be at the same company as Chance and was gone for work a lot too (the other moms turned out to be great as well!). Ding ding, a person who loved my babies and me and spending time with us being active. When Chance crashed our only car in San antonio, on his 2nd week there, we were finished! The enemy had won, we couldn't buy a car, we couldn't live here without a car, I called Jared to admit my defeat and he did the unthinkable... he sacrificed his car. I could bring in probably a dozen more people for examples just since we have moved but (ain't nobody got time for dat) I will just give one more quick situation. When my job, that I thought was heaven sent, turned out to be another dramatic situation ending with my boss making inappropriate advances my direction I was confused & drowning in the choice between financial satisfaction or mental peace. I had spent so much time building my faith and my relationship with Jesus and God that I knew the effortless way my new found career had fallen in place was only from him... until it wasn't, but it was still used for my good. I spent my summer back on my knees begging God for clarity, it was clear, everyone and every situation had been completely orchestrated by my father!!! So things didn't end or play out the way I had planned, they worked out better! I couldn't have moved into the house I live in now without my previous job and I wouldn't have learned about myself (in those areas) professionally or people morally without the job opportunity I took! Jared, Jen, Heidi, my old boss and many more, had all been sent by God (whether they believe it or not) to be tools for me to make it to today. My little notes of love from my ultimate supporter. By the end of summer I knew my purpose, by October I knew my purpose on a new level and it scares the heck out of me to think that my small abilities can be used so greatly and I want to because I was sent here to love.
A lot of people love until they don't get what they want out of the relationship, maybe some can't love you anymore when you can't see the world through their eyes. Being completely honest, I come from a completely bat shit crazy family... truly, I haven't met a couple that has so many amazing but crazy people on both sides of their family. The trials and characters that are brought to me have through my family relationship have all contributed to my lesson on loving unconditionally. I used to share these stories with many of you (you who need entertainment, stay tuned I will blog about different parts of it throughout the life of this blog.)My inability to see passed the drama in our extended family has tired many of the relationships I have built, not just here but back home too. The lessons I have learned in the passed year and a half have grown me passed comprehension. A year a go I would have left the story at that, saying I have met great people and they have came and went for whatever reason. Here is the truth though, I have met really great people who were only meant to be in my life for a season and in the passed those seasons have always ended because of my inability to understand myself and my role in people's life, they have also ended for lack of unconditional love. For whatever reason, my life tends to attract 3 kinds of people, people who are extremely gravitated to me (stage 5 clingers), people who are bat shit crazy, and people who love me no matter what sometimes I meet people that are all of those things in one. I don't usually meet haters, friends that only need to see or hear from me once a month, or people that hang out and never want to hang out again. This fall I looked around, I took a 360 scope of my past and present relationships because some I KNEW were supposed to be life long (or at least longer season) relationship and some caused me to question the reason for the attraction and found commonalities in them, I found vast differences in them, I found love in all of them... just not the kind that perseveres. What devastated me though was my rude awakening of the real kind of friend I was, that is the only person I can control so that is where I started. I am very loving and social, all over the place, dramatic, and dramatized chick but I had also been very inconsiderate and self focused. Everything had been about me, my birthday, my kids, my marriage, my desires and dreams, my issues, my accomplishments my disapopointments, my needs and I hadn't taken much time to take any of my friends in a hug position and express that I love them so much and tell them that they were beautiful, or smart, or talented, or important or more shockingly see what their needs were or what they desired from life, I don't know, maybe give them praise for their accomplishments or aid their pursuits toward happiness. It was awkward for me, I didn't want to be corny, oh wait there I go again with me. I was more worried about how those things would be received by people and how awkward I would feel being so lovingly raw with people. It was when I heard the idea that we were "love people" (replacing) love notes sent from heaven that I understood my role.
My heart longs for love notes, the real ones, the ones that Chance posts on the mirror for me once every 4 years lol. Imagine how people feel who haven't received a love note in there life... and even worse, a single love person, or imagine how many people you would hurt if you told them you were that person and friend and then when they didn't meet your expectations of what a person should be, you stepped off the scene. That was the kind of person was me until I imagined how many hearts I could touch with love or hearts I could harden with simple acts of hurt and selfishness. Once I started putting people first, you know, loving them like I love myself (what the bible calls us to do) the funniest things started happening, I inspired, helped, touched and bonded with people in a way I had never before experienced. The amount of offenses I took away from relationships (and hopefully created) had dwindled down to become significantly lower if even present and the thing I have to remember is that whether someone is in my life for a week, a month, or a lifetime it doesn't have to be the end of the friendship its just the end of the hang out harvest. See I don't have time to cater to the attention it takes to be friends with single socialites who need me to get a sitter every time they want to spend time with me but I love them just as much as I did when I got to hang out for a week straight while my kids were in California. I have to know that they might be offended but I do not need to grow an offense in my heart because of their lack of understanding. I like to pretend that while relationship/friendships usually end or fade out with someone being bitter, that both parties, instead, walk away with growth, understanding and unconditional love for each other. I'm not dumb, I know this isn't usually the case but I need to adjust my mind to such thinking in order to not stumble from the mission of being a love person in spite of what else is going on around me. When we focus on loving people and exchanging the negative words we want to speak about a person, for words of encouragement, admiration, and love we change out our atmosphere. After this past summer, floundering around back and forth from Texas to California I landed back in Austin with no friends, no job, and no clue where to begin rebuilding Texas life for a second time. I knew why I was in my position, I didn't really deserve hearty relationships yet, I had misused and mishandled most of the ones leading up to this point of realization. It took a minute, but after confessing my selfishness to god, friends, and myself I was able to paint a clear picture for myself of the things it would take to become more like the person I wanted to be friends with and less like the person I was offering as a friend. Once this was clear guess what... He sent me more people. I met people to love and people to love me (and for the first time the ratio of crazy I have to deal with is at a record low). I have given myself to my friendships in ways that I have never been interested in; My girlfriends tell me things that I have never heard people describe as my character, I take no credit for any of it but I love every second of it!! It is way more fun to be a giver than a taker and I freely give up the person I loved to be consumed with (... myself), in order to be the person I need to be in order to bring change to my world, and hopefully some day a lot of peoples worlds, for now, I hope, a couple peoples world. I hate the thought that there are people out there whom I have left offended and left feeling empty handed, whether it was my fault or not it was never my intention, I have since grown and will continue to strive for character of a noble woman and not let those thoughts of selfishness, regret, and disregard for others take place at the forefront of my mind. Instead I will accept forgiveness from above, admit my faults, and pray for the forgiveness from those who have chosen to delete me from their life (for whatever reason) and pray that I never stop knowing how to give unconditional love even to those who have offended me or are hard to love... Love is the kind of thing we NEED it is the main ingredient in seeing change in the world. One things for sure It won't come with rest and it will take a total sacrifice of time with God to not focus on desires on this world but instead on love and wanting nothing more than to be perceived as love. (I wonder what Chance thinks about this blog, does he see love exuding from me in this manner yet?) Does anyone realize the kind of mission and mind set it will take to force yourself to be love in every situation and to read the word and encourage when I really want to scream? I can't wait.. it can't be any more of a sacrifice than leaving the right hand of the most holy and loving God's presence. The most important tool I can take hold of and discipline myself to in order to continue self improving is the tool of early rising talked about in Proverbs 31 and also taught to me by an incredible lady I know, Stacey! I have only been in ATX coming up on 2 years and the mind change, learning, and growth I can feel evolving me into a woman that I desire to be is exciting and challenging and I can't wait to share more! Do something crazy today, be love to the point that it makes you uncomfortable and test this theory, everything is changed with love and nothing can stand against it.
The wonders of life make it worth the ride.